If You Are My Soulmate, Why Are You Such An A**hole? is available as both a One-Act play and a Full-Length play.
- One-Act Festival: Comedy in Queens July 16-Aug 2, 2008 at The Secret Theatre in Long Island City, Queens by the Queens Players.
Directed by Robin Cannon
Veronica: Robin Cannon
Jake: Carter Cochran
Danielle: Katie Braden
Luke: Ira Sargent
- The Full-Length play was presented as an Off-Broadway staged reading with Alchemy Theatre Company of Manhattan at Theatre Row: Kirk Theatre, June 22, 2009.
- A Call to Iambs: New Words from New York Writers: August 9, 2010 at Bar 82 in the East Village (staged reading).
Veronica has been hung up on her supposed soulmate Jake, for an unlucky 13 years. But that's all about to change when a new guy, Luke enters the picture. If You Are My Soulmate, Why Are You Such An A**hole? is a little bit When Harry Met Sally and a little bit Star Wars. A play that makes you question your choices and empowers you with the spirit to fly out of your comfort zone. 2M, 2W (One-Act); 4M, 5W (Full-Length)
VERONICA's cell phone rings.
DANIELLE: Don't answer that if it's Jake. Remember, delete. Replace his contact name in your phone. Delete Jake and put in “Do Not Answer”.
VERONICA: (Laughs) Will do. (Waits until Danielle is out of sight and answers).
Veronica sits at coffee shoppe, Jake is in a hotel room, laptop nearby.
VERONICA: (Answering) Yes?
JAKE: Hello there young one from the dark side.
VERONICA: Hello yourself. And I'm not the one with the dark side.
JAKE: My, my already greeting me with such warmth. Wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Did you mistakenly take your grumpy pills?
VERONICA: (not amused) Ha ha. What's up?
JAKE: You really want to know?
VERONICA: I'm not in the mood right now.
JAKE: I remember a time when you were in the mood. Remember that hotel room back in Baltimore? Me pressing you up against the wall.
VERONICA: Jake, I can't right now. I'm not doing this anymore.
JAKE: Don't you even want to know what I'm wearing, or not wearing?
VERONICA: Not unless it's handcuffs, and you're in prison...not the bedroom.
JAKE: (laughs) Someone's a regular firecracker this morning.
VERONICA: Morning? It's almost 5 o'clock in the afternoon.
JAKE: Not here.
VERONICA: Where's here?
VERONICA: What are you doing calling me from Tokyo?
JAKE: I've been out here for several weeks, photographing the new Mitchell brothers film. I thought I told you.
VERONICA: You may have. This still doesn't explain why you're calling me.
JAKE: I'm lonely I guess. A little homesick.
VERONICA: I live in New York. You live in D.C. If you're homesick, why are you calling me?
JAKE: You're in the states aren't you?
VERONICA: Seriously? This is your justification? Why aren't you calling your wife?
JAKE: I'm calling you. Is that ok?
VERONICA: (softens a bit) Ok. So how is it over there? You know I've been dying to go to Japan forever.
JAKE: I know, maybe I'll bring you something back. How about some sushi?
VERONICA: Uh huh. Put it on some ice.
JAKE: You should see the women here. They're so beautiful it's breathtaking. It's a good thing I'm in love.
JAKE: You know, otherwise I'd be lying between two geishas by now.
VERONICA: You're in love? And with whom are you referring to?
VERONICA: I hate you. (hangs up phone)
JAKE calls her back. VERONICA picks up.
VERONICA: (starts in immediately) How can you say that?
JAKE: Say what?
VERONICA: That you are in love.
JAKE: What's wrong with that?
VERONICA: You tell me.
JAKE: I don't know why you're upset.
VERONICA: Seriously? Seriously? You just let the words slide out of your mouth, like it was the easiest thing in the world. You never once told me how you feel about me.
JAKE: You know how I feel.
VERONICA: No, I don't. You've never once admitted how you feel. You only say you have feelings for me. It's close but close isn't good enough for me. I want completion.
JAKE: We agreed to be friends, no? Don't friends talk about these things?
VERONICA: Sure, if they are just friends. But friends, don't talk the way we do with each other or text the things we do to each other. One minute you say you want to be friends, the next minute you're undressing me over the phone. It's messing with my head. I've always been honest with you about the way I feel about you. You've always known.
JAKE: I know you're going to hate me but I have to go. I gotta be on set. I'll call you later.